[blows dust off blog]
Hello frenz. As you may have noticed, I basically only use this blog once a year now, so that I can post my Mom’s annual Oscar picks. It’s been our tradition since 2012. If this is your first visit to my Mom’s Oscar picks, you may be wondering what makes a 77-year-old retired politician from central Pennsylvania an Oscar pundit. The primary answer is: she watches A LOT of movies. Most years, she sees more of the nominated films than I do. And she has opinions. Lots of opinions.
My Mom does have her biases, of course. She loves Quentin Tarantino and will always root for him and his movies, no matter the competition. She has also historically stanned for Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio, frequently threatening to quit her job as Oscar pundit if Leo is snubbed. She has yet to quit.
This year, the early Oscars ceremony took me off guard. I still haven’t seen a lot of the big contenders, including 1917, Judy, JoJo Rabbit, Ford vs Ferrari, Pain and Glory, Bombshell or A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. So I decided to do something a little different. I texted my Mom throughout the ceremony to get her hot takes as soon she typed them. I then transcribed our conversation.
So what snub pushed my Mom to the brink of quitting this blog? Read on to find out.
Brad Pitt wins Best Supporting Actor
Me: Mom, your boy won [she loves Brad Pitt]! Mom, where are you? Your public needs your commentary!
Nana: Yes, they chose the best. For many years I thought Brad Pitt was a piece of fluff. But he deserved this award for Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood.
Me: did you like his political dig during his acceptance speech, when he referenced the fact that Senate didn’t call any witnesses during the impeachment hearing?
Nana: It’s his profession [she means that Hollywood is full of liberals].
Weird performance of “Into the Unknown” with an angry, metal, German Elsa
Me: What do you think of the first musical performance, “Into the Unknown” from Frozen?
Nana: I was reading—not watching until the awards are given out.
Bong Joon Ho wins Best Original Screenplay
Me: Okay we’re back! It’s time for Original Screenplay. Oh yay, Parasite won!
Nana: Another bad call.
Me: Seriously? That was an amazing script.
Nana: Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood should have won. It will be watched forever. I’m going to watch it again this week.
Me: You have a Quentin Tarantino bias though. Who is your pick for Best Adapted Screenplay? It better not be Joker.
Nana: I hope not.
Me: So. Jo Jo Rabbit wins. I haven’t seen it yet, have you?
Nana: I don’t like Nazi movies. I try to avoid them. But I will see it.
Me: I wanted the Irishman or Little Women to win in this category.
Nana: I really want to see Little Women.
Me: How do you like this “no host” format so far?
Me: You don’t have an opinion? Remember, this is for your public.
Best Production Design goes to Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood
Me: Oh look, our boy got Best Production Design, so there you go, Nana.
Nana: Finally. Another deserved award. Remember, I am speaking to my 3 fans.
Best Documentary goes to American Factory.
Me: I haven’t seen any of this year’s nominated documentaries—but I did hear this woman [Julia Reichert, one of the directors of American Factory] on NPR last week.
Nana: I thought Chernobyl was nominated?
Me: That was an HBO TV series, not a documentary film lol.
Laura Dern wins Best Supporting Actress.
Me: Best Supporting Actress on deck.
Nana: Laura Dern will win.
Me: She was fabulous but I haven’t seen a lot of these nominees. I wanted Florence Pugh from Little Women to win.
Nana: Dern’s acceptance speech was amazing. So far, not disappointed.
editor’s note: if you scroll up you will see that Nana was indeed disappointed already.
Me: Aw, she said wonderful things about her parents in her speech.
Nana: I would not be where I am without Leroy and Jeanette [her parents].
Me: Well, I did it all on my own.
Me: I’m kidding!
A tribute to Oscar-nominated songs. Inexplicably, Eminem performs.
Me: Look it’s a Hamilton guy!
Me: So this is a tribute to movie music?
Me: Did you watch the rapping, mom?
Me: Did you see this car movie?
Nana: I will see all the winners I missed.
Nana: I love going to the movies. But I don’t need all the drama.
Me: You don’t need “all the drama” of what? The Oscars ceremony?
Nana: No politics! They should stick to what they do best: entertain.
Me: I thought you liked the drama of the Oscars!
Nana: They need to stick to the reason we go to the movies. I love going to the movies.
Me: Mom, who is this guy and what is he doing???
Me: Are you watching right now?
Nana: War movie again.
Me: VEEP lady presenting!
Nana: Love her.
I don’t want to see that car movie but it won lots of editing awards.
Me: I don’t want to see the car movie.
Nana: It’s on Xfinity for free.
Me: [thumbs down emoji]
Me: Ugh they need to pick up the pace.
Nana: They never do.
Me: Parasite wins Best International Film! Yay!
Nana: It’s a good foreign film. Period.
Me: [eye roll emoji]
Me: I wish I would stop with all these song performances. It’s always boring.
Nana: Except for Elton John. Seeing Rocketman made a fan.
Me: Wait. You weren’t an Elton John fan until you saw Rocketman?
Nana: Never paid much attention.
Me: OK, we’re back. It’s lady conductor. They’re really excited about this.
Nana: War movie or mental case.
Me: For what award? what are you talking about?
note: She never clarified.
Elton John wins Best Original Song
Nana: Finally! A winner. Rocketman.
Me: That original song was not great though.
Me: Here we go, Best Director.
Me: Oh wow, Bong Joon Ho wins for Parasite!
Nana: OK. It was a foreign film. It shouldn’t be in this category. The other nominees were more worthy. Ridiculous.
Me: Why not Best Director? It was an amazing film.
Nana: No. Quentin Tarantino, as usual, directed the best film of all. Will be a classic.
Me: Parasite was better though.
Me: Death montage is up!
Nana: The little girl with the green hair did a nice job.
Nana: Parasite should not be in the Best Picture category. It should only be in foreign film.
Me: Oh Christ mom.
Me: Okay, Best Actor is up. Who will win?
Nana: We know who will win.
[Joaquin Phoenix wins]
Nana: Of course.
Nana: He was the most tortured one.
Me: So the most tortured one wins?
Nana: Of course.
Nana: Watch Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood again. That movie is a classic. Joker will fade till another horror film is made.
Me: But it’s not a horror film?
Joaquin Phoenix wins Best Actor
Me: What did you think of Joaquin’s speech
Note: I know exactly what she thinks of Joaquin’s speech.
Nana: No politics. Just be happy you won.
Me: Lolol he is mad about milk.
Renee Zellweger wins Best Actress
Me: Did you see Judy? I didn’t.
Nana: Yes. Renee will win.
Me: I wish she would open up her eyes when she talks.
Nana: Renee. Yes.
Me: You were right.
Our night draws to a close
Me: It’s almost over!
Nana: OMG. Stay till end. If Parasite wins I am resigning from my job.
Me: Wow mom.
Parasite wins Best Picture
Me: You mad?
Nana: Sorry to my fans. I resign. I shall not go forward when a silly Korean film is chosen over an American classic. Thank you for your support.
Me: When you saw Parasite you told me you liked it! It wasn’t silly, come on. Don’t be so Trump-y.
Nana: I’m tired. We’ll talk tomorrow.
I guess that’s it, folks. My Mom has retired from the business.