My Mom’s 2019 Oscar Picks
Welcome back to my legion of faithfuls (waves to 6 people) who come to this blog every year for the hottest Oscars take in Hollywood: my Mom’s! I’m not even pretending to use this blog space as anything other than a place for me to put this post. It’s now the blog equivalent of a Parking Chair, but I only park here once per year. C’est la vie!
Scandal alert: this is the first year my mother and I did the majority of this post asynchronously. That is, instead of a face to face conversation or a phone interview, which I record and then later transcribe, my mother emailed me her picks and I emailed her mine. Then we responded, when we could, to each other’s picks. What can I say? I was pressed for time this year, still watching movies up until last night (Friday, the 22nd). But as I said, this is an important tradition* for me and my Mom so we decided to try this format.
Please note that, whenever possible, I have tried to use my mother’s writing verbatim, including punctuation and emojis. But she did not enjoy this format. She told me, “You have a PhD and you’re a writer. How am I supposed to compete with that? You need to cut back some of what you wrote so there is more focus on me. This is my blog.” Sorry, Mom. We’ll do better next year. Onward!
I had some trouble getting out to the movies before many of these titles disappeared from theaters, so I haven’t yet seen Vice or If Beale Street Could Talk. Out of the remaining nominations, my pick is Rachel Weisz in The Favourite, with Emma Stone (also in The Favourite) coming in a close second. I loved Weisz’s performance because it really could have become hyperbolic as tensions escalate between the women, but she balances the humor in the part, with the shrewdness of the character. Also, I was initially worried that these characters would feel anachronistic (like Girl Power for the 1700s!). But they didn’t. It really worked for me.
I did not see Vice😢 or If Beale Street Could Talk. My choice for BestActress in a Supporting role is Emma Stone in The Favourite. She was mean, cunning, gorgeous, and kind, all in one role. Fabulous!!!
Why did you pick Emma Stone over Rachel Weisz?
They were both phenomenal. It was very difficult but in the final analysis, the role that Emma Stone had to play was just amazing. And she had to do everything. Rachel Weisz just had to be The Bitch that Ran the Place. So I give it to Stone.
This was a tough choice for me. Mahershala Ali was the perfect snob and super refined but in the end, I’ll go with Richard E. Grant, the British Actor I never heard of. He stole the movie. I am glad the Academy saw how superb he was in the role of an old, gay (and, eventually, sick) has-been writer in Can You Ever Forgive Me?
I liked Sam Elliott’s performance in A Star is Born but the role wasn’t very interesting to me; it felt like he received an Oscar nomination for being Sam Elliott more than anything else. Mahershala Ali had a pretty thankless role in Green Book so I don’t have much to say on that, except that he did the best he could with a poorly-written character. I generally love Adam Driver in anything he does, but I don’t think he did anything special in BlacKKKlansman. So, for me, the best performance was absolutely Richard E. Grant in Can You Ever Forgive Me? I appreciated his performance for a few reasons. First, he plays an outrageous person, but his performance is never outrageous. Second, every time he appears in a scene, I just want to look at him. His presence is such a force. Third, those blue eyes. My God.
For sure, without hesitation, I choose Rami Malek for best Actor in Bohemian Rhapsody. I did not know who Fred Murphy [sic] was or who the band Queen was (sorry), but he was the singer and made the band what it became. The music was fantastic and memorable. He and the film was loved by all age groups (I can attest to that).
How can you attest? Did you take a poll?
Well, as you know, I’m just a movie critic once a year. I don’t have to take a poll. I do everything by what I feel in my gut, and I also asked my friends what they thought. They are all very sophisticated women with college degrees. At Book Club last Thursday night all of them screamed when I said that Rami Malek was my pick.
Also, did you really not know the band Queen before seeing this movie?
Yes. I was never big into listening to music like that. I remembered the songs like “Another One Bites the Dust” and “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “We will Rock You,” but didn’t know who the band was. I only went to one concert in my whole life, The Rolling Stones in 1989 (Steel Wheels Tour). Why would I go to a concert? The only star I ever went berserk over in high school was Elvis Presley.
I am ill-equipped to weigh in on this category because I haven’t seen Vice or At Eternity’s Gate. As for the rest? Oh, Bradley Cooper! You are very handsome and your singing voice is much better than what I expected it to be (fuck those haters, Bradley). But this was a weird performance for me. Jack never felt like a real character, just a Generic Drunk Tortured Guy, which impacts the efficacy of love story for me.
Now, as for Viggo Mortensen in Green Book. If there was an Oscar category for Best Onscreen Food Consumption, my dude would win, hands down. But other than the great eating, I found his performance to be Too Much. It’s like he was an understudy at the Thatsa Spicy Meatball! School for Italian Accents. It distracted me.
Bohemian Rhapsody was a real shitshow, so it is hard to objectively discuss Rami Malek’s performance. In a lot of scenes I just couldn’t get past those teeth. It was like John Travolta in The People vs OJ Simpson-level distracting, but in a bad way instead of a good way.
My pick for Best Actor in a Leading Role, therefore, is Ethan Hawke in First Reformed. Yes, I know he wasn’t nominated. But he gave the performance of his career in that film. At a time when many of us tire of seeing another film about a Straight White Guy Struggling with His Demons, this version of that story was so compelling. I always respect performances in which the actor is onscreen a lot but doesn’t necessarily get to do much. A lot of this movie is staring at Ethan Hawke’s face and IT. IS. NEVER. BORING. 10/10, would gaze again.
I CRY FOUL BALL! YOU MAY NOT CHOOSE SOMEONE WHO IS NOT NOMINATED. The Academy will hear about this, Dr. Klein.
I said what I said.
Well I was a lady and I followed the rules. Even when I was mad that Won’t You Be My Neighbor didn’t get a Best Documentary nomination, I saved it for the end. [see below]
I’ve seen all of these performances! And truly, all five of these women were fantastic, with Lady gaga being a little less fantastic than her competitors. No shade on Gaga; she was great. But she can’t be the best at singing, song-writing, performing AND acting.
As for the rest, and I know this is a cop out, but my runner up is actually a three-way tie between Yalitza Aparicio in Roma, Glenn Close in The Wife, and Olivia Colman in The Favourite. This year’s Best Actress in a Leading Role category is a testament to how difficult it is to compare excellent acting performances. All three these movies were so different—in tone, subject, and character—that it’s hard for me to rank them.
Having said that, the performance that stands just a little above all of these other amazing performances is Melissa McCarthy’s in Can You Ever Forgive Me? Where to start? I love how McCarthy took this character whose clothing, hair, and posture all ask you to look right past her, and plays her in such a way that all you want to do is look directly at her. This performance perfectly complements the film’s plot, which focuses on a writer who has spent her career telling her readers about other people’s lives and words. I really only know McCarthy from her comedic roles, where she is superb (long live Sean Spicer!), but damn, I hope she gets #alltheroles going forward.
I saw all the films and believe all of these actresses deserve the Oscar (except Lady Gaga) but Olivia Colman rose above them. She is almost the new Meryl Streep (no nomination for Meryl this year. Must be the first time in many years). Colman played the role of the aging lesbian, with bandaged legs (must have diabetes [editor’s note: she had gout]), and no children of her own. She was superb!!!!!!
Still not sure what to think of The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. We watched it drunk on Christmas Eve, which may explain that. My pick is Nicole Holofcener and Jeff Whitty’s Can You Ever Forgive Me? This movie had great performances, but they were only possible through a script that was both funny and sad, and then weirdly redemptive. They built these characters who are assholes who I still like and understand so much that I would definitely go drinking with them in real life. Also, the scene in which they discover piles of old cat poop under Lee’s bed felt realer than real, as we own a house-pooping cat. Bonus points for that scene.
My pick is The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. Love the Cohen brothers–watch this movie sober. It is hysterical and soooooooooooooooo clever! Only the Cohen boys can think this way!!!!
Roma. To me, the film was one of the best I’ve ever seen. The way they started that movie–with her washing the driveway…from that moment I was in that movie. I was so mesmerized by that film. Everything about it, I liked. I also like The Favourite. It was fascinating to watch three women conniving each other. The last quarter of the movie was so real to me. The sadness. And The Queen really loved those two women, and they’re destroying each other in front of her. And then the one she loved the most, she banished from England.
This one is also very hard for me in the same way that the Best Actress category was hard. The Favourite, Roma, and First Reformed were all perfect vehicles for the stories being told. The Favourite is filled with saucy tongue twisters and sick burns. Roma, like all good neorealist texts, spend a lot of time contemplating the mise en scene, rather than chatting. But for me, First Reformed is the winner. There are so many reasons for this but I will just mention one: when Pastor Toller lies on top of Mary (she asked him to!) and the entire movie shifts to a different plane of reality. It was completely unexpected and so different from everything else that had come before in the film and yet, it worked.
Saw all but Vice. Actually, saw Cold War. Don’t go! Depressing and stupid movie. The winner without question is Alfonso Cuarón for Roma!!!!!
At last we agree on something! I can’t say Roma was my favorite film of the year (that’s why I don’t give it Best Picture) but the direction on this is pretty phenomenal. That ocean scene at the end was absolutely perfect. I love Italian Neorealism (my favorite is Umberto D) and this movie does that kind of filmmaking so well. Gorgeous.
A close second for me is Spike Lee for The BlacKKKlansman. This is not my favorite of Spike Lee’s movies (that would be the Oscar-deprived Do the Right Thing) nor is it my second favorite (She’s Gotta Have It) or even my third (Bamboozled). But that’s not saying much, as I very much like Spike Lee. I also want to note that I love Yorgos Lanthimos’ work and I loved The Favourite, but as with Spike Lee, this is definitely my 4th favorite Lanthimos film (that order would be #1 The Lobster, #2 Killing of a Sacred Deer, and #3 Dogtooth).
This year I saw all of the Best Picture nominees, but Vice. Very upset that I did not see it but will do so as soon as it returns. I truly enjoyed all the films that I saw; some were beautiful to watch, some were funny, charming, violent and some educational. Of all of them were but A Star is Born (BORING) !!!! I did learn that Lady Gaga is no joke! She can really sing.
You didn’t know Lady gaga could sing?
You know how it is with the performers who wear crazy outfits and do crazy things? They usually don’t have great voices. I think she wore a meat dress one time.
This year I choose Roma as Best Picture. Actually, Roma was one of the best films I’ve ever seen (and you know I have seen a lot of films). It was an amazing film to watch. Black and white film captured the time and turmoil of Mexico, along with the inner heart ache of the family. Tragedy, love, and survival. What I found interesting is that so many people couldn’t get through Roma.
Because it was long and slow?
BUT IT WAS AWESOME.
I will have an easier time eliminating some of the so-called frontrunners that I don’t think deserve this award: First, Green Book had a hokey script and hokey acting (great soundtrack tho) and truly, Hollywood should be done making message movies about Racism of the Past just so that White People can feel better about the kind of racism we have today.
As for A Star is Born, I love the story (my favorite version is the 1954 Judy Garland version) and I love musicals and I also really like both Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. And that Grammys scene was A+ But the movie was uneven and needed another round of editing.
The film which has inexplicably received a lot of awards is Bohemian Rhapsody. This movie failed on so many levels. It was only worthwhile because I saw it with my kids and then, for the next 6 weeks, we would randomly burst out into verses of “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Don’t Stop Me Now.”
So I’m giving Best Picture to The BlacKKKlansman for a few reasons. First, the actual story of Detective Ron Stallworth is truly bananas, and every actor in this film (yes, I am talking to you, Topher Grace) really brought their A game (ironically, Adam Driver was the least compelling to me among these performances). Also, the dialogue was sharp and funny. He made some interesting stylistic choices (like those extended dance scenes) that worked, and others that fell flat for me (the final scenes with Stallworth and Patrice felt too abrupt). But what put this one over the edge for me is that I saw it with my 12yo daughter and, when the footage from the Unite the Right rally plays in the final moments before the credits, her jaw dropped. She had seen that footage before, of course, and we had even discussed what happened in Charlottesville as a family. But seeing that footage of violent racism from 2017 nestled at the end of the story of violent racism from almost 40 years ago is a real gut punch. Where Green Book aims to make audiences feel good about race relations before the final credits, The BlacKKKlansman brings it directly in line with the present.
And frankly, the fact that Mr. Lee has previously received only two Oscar nominations in his long and rich career (School Daze, Malcolm X, Clockers, Summer of Sam, 25th Hour, Inside Man) and never for One of the Big Ones (Best Picture, Best Director), I think this is his time now.
Any other thoughts about this year’s slate of contenders?
My pick for Best Song is “When a Cowboy Trades His Spurs for Wings” but “Shallow” from A Star is Born will win. Best Make up will be Vice. I’m glad A Quiet Place was nominated for sound editing. Also, I was very disappointed that Won’t You be My Neighbor? was not nominated for Best Documentary. Best Cinematography is The Favourite.
Are you disappointed that Leonardo Di Caprio didn’t receive any nominations this year?
Well he wasn’t in anything this year. And you can’t choose something that wasn’t nominated or else we’d have bedlam [Note: she is referring to me and my Best Actor pick]. But I don’t have any threats this year.
Now, I’m not writing any more because I’m tired of this [typing].
That’s it, Dr. Klein. Call me xoxoxo.
*For those who might be new to My Mom’s Oscar Picks (waves to 1 person who thought this was porn), this tradition began in 2011, a few months after my father died. His passing was not unexpected but it was a violent, visceral, and fully shared family experience that remains incredibly vivid, over 7 years later. So this annual blog post is like a gift of connection that my mother and I can give each other each year, during a time of year when it is cold and dark outside, and reminiscent of sadder times.
The Best Films of the Decade
Yes my friends, I took a hiatus from blogging for a while. Between end of the semester grading and other professional commitment, as well as my family’s raucous Chrismakkuh celebrations, there simply was not any time. These are my excuses, anyway, for producing a “best of the decade” list weeks after you ceased having the desire to read such arbitrary lists. My bad, ya’ll.
Still there? Okay then, before you read, you should know a few things:
1. I spent much of the 2000s with my DVD/VHS player, dutifully watching non-contemporary films as part of my Film Studies degree. Consequently, I did not see nearly as many new releases as I would have liked.
2. I am not a big fan of blockbuster/franchise films, so I refuse to put any of The Lord of the Rings films on a “best of” list.
3. I favor films with a melancholy bent because I enjoy a good cry.
Now here, in no particular order, are my favorite films from the last 10 years:
Brokeback Mountain (2005, Ang Lee)
To me this is a near perfect film. Flawless cinematography (I am thinking of long shots of white sheep running up the side of a green slope), intelligent mise en scene (the slow death of Anne Hathaway’s sexuality is marked by her ever-blonder coif and increasingly talon-like nails) and a spare script. And then there’s the cast. Everyone in this film was wonderful, but the stand out was, of course, Heath Ledger, who plays Ennis as a man whose desires are so tamped down that he literally swallows his own words before uttering them. When Ennis embraces Jack’s denim shirt in the film’s final scene, it’s a moment that rips your heart apart. Timely, beautiful, perfect. Fuck Crash (2005, Paul Haggis). Yeah, I’m still bitter.
Amelie (2001, Jean-Pierre Jeunet)
Overly precious at times? Sure. But it’s irresistable in its preciousness. One of my favorite sequences occurs early in the film, when the narrator explains the little things in life that Amelie enjoys: “Plunging her hand deep into a sack of grain, cracking creme brulee with a teaspoon and skimming stones on the Canal St. Martin.” Here we are treated to a dizzying, high angle shot of the canal which sweeps over Amelie (Audrey Tautou) as she squats on a bridge to skip stones. Little moments like that take my breath away.
Memento (2000, Christopher Nolan)
Trapped in the head of Leonard (Guy Pearce), who lost his short-term memory after the traumatic murder of his wife, we experience life as he does — en medias res. We, like Leonard, find ourselves in the middle of situations — at one point Leonard finds himself running and doesn’t know if he’s being chased or the one doing the chasing — that only make sense when we move backwards and retrace our steps. Luckily, Leonard has a “system”–tattoos, notes, reminders placed around his abode. Yes, it’s a gimmicky concept for a film, but what always grabbed me about Memento is how it provides such a useful allegory for the mourning process. Leonard’s unceasing drive for revenge is a sublimation of his desire to work through the trauma of his wife’s death. At one point Leonard explains “I don’t even know how long she’s been gone…I lie here not knowing how long I’ve been alone. So how can I heal? How am I supposed to heal if I can’t feel time?” See, now I’m all shivery.
Once (2006, John Carney)
I’ll be totally honest: this movie could have been total crap and it would still be on this list as long as it retained its glorious, haunting soundtrack. But thankfully, Once isn’t crap. On the one hand it’s standard musical fare: a heart-broken guy (Glen Hansard) and a lonely girl (Marketa Irglova) have a meet cute (he’s singing on the streets, she needs her vacuum cleaner fixed) and discover that they make beautiful music together. Really, really beautiful music. What is wonderful about Once though, is how seamlessly musical numbers are woven into the fabric of the diegesis. Every time the guy and the girl (they are never given proper names) open their mouths or tickle the ivories, it makes perfect narrative sense. And when they sing “Falling Slowly” in the middle of a piano store, their voices tentatively coming together for the first time, it’s absolutely magical. I’m talking full goosebumps. I should also add that, next to this year’s Up in the Air, Once contains one of the most realistic and refreshing conclusions to a love affair that I’ve seen in years.
Adaptation (2002, Spike Jonze)
Adaptation is a film about, well, adaptation: cinematic, biological, and social. Charlie Kauffman (Nicholas Cage) is asked to adapt Susan Orlean’s novel, The Orchid Thief, into a splashy screenplay and it is his struggles to do so that create the fascinating film we watch. A skewering of Hollywood, a meditation on passion (and its absence), and, weirdly, an action adventure story, Adaptation is Kauffman’s most inventive script to date. And as a result of his performance in this film Nic Cage has an eternal free pass to make shit, which he continues to do with impunity.
Half Nelson (2006, Ryan Fleck)
In his best screen performance to date, Ryan Gosling plays Dan Dunne, an idealistic Brooklyn teacher trying to teach History to his primarily African American and Hispanic middle school students. Dan cares about teaching and about his students. Dan believes he can make a difference. Sound like a cliché yet? Oh right, there’s one more thing: Dan’s got a wicked crack addiction. When a favorite student, Drey (Shareeka Epps), catches him smoking crack in a school bathroom, the two form an unlikely alliance. Drey wants Dan to stop doing drugs and Dan wants Drey to stay out of the drug trade. Both ultimately let each other down. The film is equally effective as a parable about the frustrations and despair of the political Left and as a portrait of America’s failed school systems.
Royal Tenenbaums (2001, Wes Anderson)
There are so many things to love about this movie: the deadpan narration by Alec Baldwin, the quirky cast, the soundtrack. But best of all is the mise en scene. Every shot in the film is crammed with details — Henry Sherman’s fastidious bow-ties (Danny Glover), Margot Tenenbaum’s (Gwyneth Paltrow) bookshelves crammed with slim plays, and the endless rows of Richie’s (Luke Wilson) framed drawings, dutifully hung by his adoring mother (Angelica Houston). Yet despite it’s loopy surface, the film is filled with moments of deep human connection. One of my favorite scenes in the film is an exchange between Chas Tenenbaum (Ben Stiller) and his future step-father, Henry. Over the course of the film we learn that Chas reacts to his wife’s untimely death, not by mourning, but by keeping his two young sons on a short leash — expecting the next disaster to strike at any moment. Rather than break down, he takes control. On the day of his mother’s marriage to Henry, a union Chas has opposed through much of the film, Chas is confused to discover that Henry has an adult son named Walter (Al Thompson). Henry has to remind Chas that he has been married before and that his wife died. He is a widower. As Henry, Walter and Richie adjust their ties in the mirror, Chas approaches the group of men and begins to adjust his own tie as well. He then announces, as if the news were completely new, “You know, I’m a widower myself.” Henry pauses, turns towards Chas, and places his hand on his shoulder “I know you are, Chas.” It’s a simple exchange, a throwaway moment, but it grabs me every time.
Old Boy (2003, Chan-wook Park)
If someone kidnapped you and kept you imprisoned in a bland apartment for 15 years with only a television for company and the same dumplings to eat day after day, you’d be pretty pissed off, right? Old Boy follows Oh Dae-Su (Choi Min-sik), businessman-turned-martial arts expert, as he seeks revenge for his years of imprisonment, and boy is he mad! The film is riddled with graphic violence but my favorite scene by far is the infamous “hammer scene” in which a wounded Dae-Su fights a horde of men with nothing but a hammer. Here the fighting is lugubrious and painful, men groan and creep and fall. And the best part is that Park films it in one long take like a slow, bloody waltz.
Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003, Quentin Tarantino)
I have always been critical of Tarantino’s reluctance to engage in the necessary task of editing his films. For me, Inglorious Basterds (2009) was long and flabby. Kill Bill: Vol. 1, on the other hand, felt just right to me (perhaps because Tarantino had to cleave the film into 2 volumes?). I suppose I’m a sucker for films in which women are given meaty, kick ass roles. How can you not love a film in which Uma Thurman informs the survivors of a massacre created by her own hands, “Those of you lucky enough to have your lives, take them with you. However, leave the limbs you’ve lost. They belong to me now.” Kick. Ass.
Grizzly Man (2005, Werner Herzog)
Using the 100 hours of footage that Timothy Treadwell, aka, the “Grizzly Man,” left behind after his brutal death, Herzog attempts to make sense of the man’s seemingly insane desire to live among wild bears. Was Treadwell crazy? Probably. But this is not the only message of the film. Treadwell was also a man filled with passion and love. The film could have been exploitative, but it’s not. It’s simply sad.
Up in the Air (2009, Jason Reitman)
Critics have been stumbling over each other to praise this movie, but for once the praise is deserved. As so many have already noted, Up in the Air is a timely portrait of today’s dire economic climate. As I sat in the darkened theater, listening to real Americans explain how losing their jobs was going to impact their lives and their families, I couldn’t help but think of all the people I know right now who have lost their jobs, have had their hours cut or who simply cannot find work. But then,oddly enough, the film also soars as a romantic comedy. The rapport between Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) and Alex (Vera Farmiga), two commitment-phobes addicted to air travel and impersonal hotel rooms, is honest and funny. And can we talk about George Clooney for a minute? Every look, every gesture, every half-smile was perfect. Take the scene at Ryan’s sister’s wedding reception. In a few dialogue-free shots we see Ryan’s walls come crashing down. We can actually see him falling in love (0r what he believes to be love) with Alex. And then there’s Natalie Keener (Anna Kendrick), who was truly wonderful as a smart, ambitious young woman who realizes, as most of us do around the age of 23, that the “grand plan” we had for ourselves in college doesn’t really translate in the real world. Finally, the film’s ending (I promise, no spoilers here) was the perfect balance between realism and idealism, despair and hope. It’s the kind of film that makes you appreciate your own very heavy backpack.
And the rest:
Lost in Translation (2003, Sofia Coppola)
Thank you Ms. Coppola, for not letting us hear what Bob (Bill Murray) says to Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson).
American Splendor (2003, Shari Springer Berman)
Paul Giamatti is a god.
District 9 (2009, Neil Blomkamp)
A science fiction social problem film turned explode-y action adventure film. I was literally on the edge of my seat throughout the entire film. Then I bawled like a baby. I’m not sure that’s ever happened before.
City of God (2002, Fernando Meirelles)
This film is noteworthy for its stunning cinematography and kinetic editing alone, but it’s translation of the classic gangster formula to the slums of Rio de Janeiro is what makes this one of the stand out films of the decade.
There Will Be Blood (2007, Paul Thomas Anderson)
Dirty, greasy and bloody. If movies had an odor, There Will Be Blood would smell like sweaty men and rust. I drink your milkshake!
Children of Men (2006, Alfonso Cuaron)
OK, I’ll admit it: My husband and I watched this one with English sub-titles because we found the British accents too difficult to understand. And we still loved it. So there.
Talk to Her (2002, Pedro Almodóvar)
You have to love a film containing a beautifully shot, black and white silent film, “The Shrinking Lover,” depicting a tiny man and an enormous vagina. Enough said.
Brick (2005, Rian Johnson)
Sure, you all fell in love with Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 500 Days of Summer (2009, Marc Webb). But I fell in love with him here, spouting hard-boiled lines like “Throw one at me if you want, hash head. I’ve got all five senses and I slept last night, that puts me six up on the lot of you.”
Shaun of the Dead (2004, Edgar White)
Knocked Up (2007, Judd Apatow)
Debbie (Leslie Mann): I’m not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I’m not going anywhere, you’re just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You’re a doorman, okay. You’re a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so… Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.
Doorman (Craig Robinson): I know… you’re right. I’m so sorry, I fuckin’ hate this job. I don’t want to be the one to pass judgment, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach. I get the runs from the stress. It’s not cause you’re not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can’t let you in cause you’re old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
Doorman: You old, she pregnant. Can’t have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That’s crazy. I’m only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there’s a black midget in the crowd.
Note: thank you to the poster on IMDB.com who transcribed this wonderful exchange from Knocked Up so I didn’t have to.
I would love to hear your thoughts on your favorite moments from these films or about any glaring omissions.